Inside My Heart

Inside My Heart

It may or may not be Valentines Day while you're reading this. Either way, I'm giving you a heart. My Heart!
When I was growing up I always tried to act "tough." Very few people saw me cry. Especially the boys! Many "boys" broke my heart. Instead of letting them see me cry, I usually just screamed a few "obscenities" at them. That felt really good! The tears that came later didn't feel as good.
I have made some really big mistakes in my life. I've hurt a few people's hearts as well. I didn't do it intentionally. I was just stupid. I feel really remorseful. Deep down, inside my heart, you will find a kind, compassionate and giving soul. I cry at the "drop of a hat" now. I'm guessing some of this is due to "Middle Age." Some of my "crying spells" come from the thoughts of those people I've wronged. My husband and my preacher both tell me let it go. My preacher says to "Let Go and Let God." I want to let go. I just can't seem to. It's kind of like trying to stop smoking. I want to want to stop. I just can't seem to want to.
When I was a young girl I didn't worry as much as I do now. I was happy go lucky, most of the time. Or, so everyone thought! I'm guessing if you'd ask people to describe me when I was a teenager they might use the words "footloose and fancy free." That's where the quote "You can't judge a book by it's cover" comes from. No one really knew what was in my heart. I kept most things "bottled up" inside me. I definitely put up many walls. Pride! Sometimes "pride" can cause you to miss out on some things. Pride can certainly make you DO some stupid things. I guess it's ok though - I still had my pride.
I remember fighting with my sister. I would tell her I hated her and that I hoped she would die. Goodness Sakes!!! She said that to me as well. I've heard other siblings tell each other that very same thing. I loved my sister, even during the fights, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I still love her but we just don't say it to each other. My family are not the kind of people that say "I love you" and we never hug each other. We just know we love each other anyway!
My grandchildren are my pride and joy. Before they came along, I didn't think I had anymore love left in my heart. Wow, I did! This love is a totally different kind of love. Unless you are a grandparent, you'll never understand it. It's the best love of all! I tell my grandchildren I love them and I always hug them. They don't always reciprocate those hugs and kisses. My grandson quickly wipes away those kisses. I think most two year olds do that. Especially boys! My granddaughter lets me hug and kiss on her. She's only 6 years old so I'm not sure how much longer she's going to let me do that.
I may look strong and I may act as if nothing really bothers me. Inside my heart - I'm a "worrier." I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am or as "uncaring" as people thought I was, way back when. So from here on out, I'm going to just be "me." To heck with pride! I easily get my feelings hurt and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I once loved the song "Old enough to know better, but still too young to care." I don't like it anymore. Now I'm old enough to just say "I DO CARE." I always did. I just didn't want anyone to know! I kept it hidden, deep inside my heart.
Valentines day or not, give someone your heart. I plan on letting people see INSIDE MY HEART. It won't mean I'm losing my pride. It'll just show I'm not as stupid as I used to be. Oh, and get your shoulder ready - I might just need it to cry on!